Held

I almost never listen to the radio in my car.  I have a 6 disc changer and normally listen to the same 6 cd’s most every time I drive.  Today, as I was in my car on my way to run some errands, I decided to turn on K-Love.  I listened to some songs & a news update.  I was about ready to turn the cd back on when Natalie Grant’s song “Held” came on.  I have always love Natalie Grant, especially this song.  However, today I really listened to the words and was in tears by the time Will & I reached Sam’s parking lot.  

I’ve struggled in my relationship with God for about 6 months now.  I feel like I’m in the toughest spot I’ve ever been in and I don’t really know how to get out.  I’ve developed this attitude toward God that he has put me in tough situations and it really isn’t fair.  Deep inside I know that other people have things worse than I do, but I get mad at God that things don’t get better when I pray.  

Honestly, I feel it’s become worse since I had Will.  When he cries or is sick, or I just don’t know what’s wrong; I want to fix it so badly that I’ll plead with God to make it stop.  Sometimes because I just need silence instead of cries, but sometimes it’s out of an honest mother’s heart that cannot stand to see her child in pain.  When God doesn’t respond to my prayers and make the cries or the hurts stop; I get mad.  I think “Why is God doing this?”

The last week, Will and I have passed just about every kind of symptom back and forth to each other.  To be honest, I’m not even sure I could tell you what either one of us has had…we’ve had so many symptoms.  One of our symptoms is a croupy cough.  This cough keeps Will awake and I’m pretty sure it hurts/scares him because he’ll have a coughing fit and start crying which prompts the coughing to start right back up again.  It breaks my heart to hear this.  I would sit in our bedroom holding the monitor to my cheek and cry.  I would beg and plead with God to make it stop so he could sleep.  Then I’d get mad 10 minutes later when Will was still crying and coughing in the other room.  

Then it was my turn.  The symptoms passed to me and I’ve had a really rough go of it the past two days.  I was grocery shopping yesterday and got sick at the grocery store.  Had to leave a cart full of groceries – take my 18 month old to the public restroom with me – and be sick.  It was terrible.  I was mad at God…why couldn’t he let me get home first.  Why let this happen in the worst timing??

So, I’m listening to this song and I heard the words “Who told us we’d be rescued?”  And then “The promise was when everything fell, we’d be held.”  Wow.  God did not promise me that he was my quick fix to all life’s problems.  He promised me that he’d always be with me when things around me seemed to be falling apart. It's a heck of a promise...one I need to remember in lieu of becoming angry at God.

The Cleaning Continues...

So, the big cleanup of 2011 resumed this week.  You know how sometimes it’s nice to get away from a project and gain a little bit of clarity??  Well, that’s what I’ve been doing.  Many things have helped me avoid the next task on my list.  The zoo, Memorial Day weekend, Will, The zoo, etc.  You get the picture.  

On Monday I did manage enough energy to go through and organize all of Will’s outgrown clothes into tubs to put back in the closet in case baby #2 is a boy.  Nope, no announcements here…don’t even ask.  I just like to be prepared.  Shari Chrisman used to say “Be ready to preach, pray, sing, or die on a moment’s notice.”  This way, I’ll be ready on a moment’s notice!!

This afternoon in a rare burst of energy, I picked up where I left off and where I most dreaded working….the closet in the office/spare room/soon to be Will’s new room.  I have been avoiding this for awhile.  So I started in true Kristen fashion by taking everything out of it.  Guess what I found?? 

I found every card anyone has ever given me, negatives (real, live negatives) of photos I took in high school, my wedding dress, my prom dress, 5 of my 8 bridesmaids dresses (yes, I am a little concerned that I can only find 5 of the 8…)  a trumpet, files upon files upon files, a paper shredder, 3 of my nice, glass, decorative vases, 20 photo albums, a box of pictures, all of the RSVP cards to our wedding, a letter jacket, 2 dance team warm up sweats from high school, the dress I attempted to make in home ec, and a partridge in a pear tree.  Seriously…it was bad.    

 Oh, and I realized that we forgot to finish painting the closet after we moved in.  Look closely…it has been taped and ready to go for almost 6 years.  Oops!

Oh, I also found this…this is a music box I had when I was a little girl.  Do you remember this, Mom?  I LOVED this music box.  So much so, my dad had to use one of his handy dandy little machines to round off the corners so it wouldn’t be too sharp for me.  One of the plastic flower pieces fell off when I was little and is rolling around, loose, inside the box.  It looks like rice and when I carried this around, I could always hear it.  As a matter of fact, when I first picked this up, I shook it out of instinct.  Yup, still there!

A lot of this stuff I was able to purge.  Some of it is a little personal to me.  You know…my letter jacket, my wedding dress, etc.  What do you do with these things??  A friend said she kept them all in her parent’s basement.  Well, my parents don’t have a basement and I’m pretty sure my mom had these items sacked up and in a pile by her front door the first Sunday we went over for lunch as a married couple.  She definitely doesn’t want them anymore than I do!!  

So, I put Will’s 2T and up clothes in the closet.  Made me tear up a little to realize he’ll be big enough to wear those clothes before I know it. 

 

Then I cleaned off the top shelf of the closet and put the picture & pillows I’ve already bought for his big boy room on the shelf – out of sight until we’re ready to decorate. 

I went through cards, pictures, etc. and got rid of a ton.  I put my photo albums in a plastic tote in the basement.  I’m starting to seriously consider ending my scrapbooking career and using Shutterfly from now on.  We have one photobook…it’s cute and takes up a LOT less space!  I put my high school memorabilia in another plastic tote in the basement.  After much thinking and consideration, I put the trumpet, my wedding dress, and my bridesmaids dresses back in the closet.  First, Daniel will want Will to at least TRY the trumpet.  Like Father like son, right??  Secondly, as I was purging the bridesmaids dresses, Daniel practically forced me to keep them for the little girl we MAY one day have.  And last, there is just no good place for a wedding dress.  It shall stay in Will’s closet until I can think of a better place to put it.  (Oh, and by the way…the wedding dress still fits post baby!!  The shoes don’t, but the dress does…HORRAY!)  

With this project, the upstairs purge/clean is finished!!  Now to move downstairs.  Geesh, I may need another break.  The zoo anyone??