Held

I almost never listen to the radio in my car.  I have a 6 disc changer and normally listen to the same 6 cd’s most every time I drive.  Today, as I was in my car on my way to run some errands, I decided to turn on K-Love.  I listened to some songs & a news update.  I was about ready to turn the cd back on when Natalie Grant’s song “Held” came on.  I have always love Natalie Grant, especially this song.  However, today I really listened to the words and was in tears by the time Will & I reached Sam’s parking lot.  

I’ve struggled in my relationship with God for about 6 months now.  I feel like I’m in the toughest spot I’ve ever been in and I don’t really know how to get out.  I’ve developed this attitude toward God that he has put me in tough situations and it really isn’t fair.  Deep inside I know that other people have things worse than I do, but I get mad at God that things don’t get better when I pray.  

Honestly, I feel it’s become worse since I had Will.  When he cries or is sick, or I just don’t know what’s wrong; I want to fix it so badly that I’ll plead with God to make it stop.  Sometimes because I just need silence instead of cries, but sometimes it’s out of an honest mother’s heart that cannot stand to see her child in pain.  When God doesn’t respond to my prayers and make the cries or the hurts stop; I get mad.  I think “Why is God doing this?”

The last week, Will and I have passed just about every kind of symptom back and forth to each other.  To be honest, I’m not even sure I could tell you what either one of us has had…we’ve had so many symptoms.  One of our symptoms is a croupy cough.  This cough keeps Will awake and I’m pretty sure it hurts/scares him because he’ll have a coughing fit and start crying which prompts the coughing to start right back up again.  It breaks my heart to hear this.  I would sit in our bedroom holding the monitor to my cheek and cry.  I would beg and plead with God to make it stop so he could sleep.  Then I’d get mad 10 minutes later when Will was still crying and coughing in the other room.  

Then it was my turn.  The symptoms passed to me and I’ve had a really rough go of it the past two days.  I was grocery shopping yesterday and got sick at the grocery store.  Had to leave a cart full of groceries – take my 18 month old to the public restroom with me – and be sick.  It was terrible.  I was mad at God…why couldn’t he let me get home first.  Why let this happen in the worst timing??

So, I’m listening to this song and I heard the words “Who told us we’d be rescued?”  And then “The promise was when everything fell, we’d be held.”  Wow.  God did not promise me that he was my quick fix to all life’s problems.  He promised me that he’d always be with me when things around me seemed to be falling apart. It's a heck of a promise...one I need to remember in lieu of becoming angry at God.