I'm Still Learning

I'm a teacher.  Well, I guess I used to be a teacher.  As a teacher, nothing would frustrate me more than students missing opportunities to learn.

Welllll, the pot's calling the kettle black today.

I've been doing a Bible Study called "Women Making A Difference in Marriage."  This Bible Study follows on the heels of me reading the book called "Finding the Hero in Your Husband."  Add that to "The Excellent Wife," and countless other books I've been reading on marriage.

In all honesty, all these books have left me frustrated.  And a bit mad.  I didn't understand why.  Until today.

A few weeks ago, the Men's Ministry at our church handed out bookmarks to all wives.  The bookmarks said "How to Pray for Your Husband."  The man that handed me mine said, "Here.  You really need this."  It was a joke.  I know it was a joke.  BUT...it made me mad.  I DO pray for my husband.  And, I don't NEED a bookmark to do it.

The whole situation left me angry.  Why is it that the women have to do everything to save marriages.  Where are the men in our families?  Why do I have to be the first to make the changes so that my husband will follow suite?  (I'm not a bit over dramatic, if you can't tell). 

Today I woke up, made some coffee, and checked Facebook.  (All in a day's work in this household).  A friend of mine posted an awesome article from 31 Ministries.

In the article, the woman talks about the unrealistic expectations she had placed on her husband and how it inevitably suffocated, not only him, but their marriage as well.

She says, "Hoping to create my own version of “happily-ever-after,” I became controlling and critical. I thought if I could get JJ to be the husband and dad I wanted him to be, my broken dreams would get put back together."

Yup...that's it.  That's how I feel.  If Daniel could just get his act together; we'd be fine.  (I hope he doesn't read this....)

And then she says, "I also needed to confess my sin of unrealistic expectations and let go of what I thought was my right to “happily-ever-after.”"

Woah...hold the phone.  The "SIN" of unrealistic expectations??  I didn't see that coming at all.  Wow.  This must be more serious than I thought.  And it hit me.  I'm putting all the pressure of our marriage on Daniel so I don't have to face up to my own inadequacies, hurts, and faults.  It's "easier" than having to deal with it. 

I need to be able to come to the place where I realize my expectations are too great; too unrealistic and I learn to turn to God to fulfill those places of my life.  I still don't know exactly how to do that, but I understand now that I'm not being fair to my husband, or myself, by pretending those places are designed to be fulfilled by man. 

Instead, I want this:

"I was also able to accept JJ for who he was and trust God to make him the husband He knew I needed, instead of the one I wanted."

Well, this pot has finally decided to take advantage of this opportunity to learn.  I've been struggling with my unrealistic expectations; not only of my husband, but of my motherhood, and my life in general.  And guess what?  Others fail me ALL THE TIME. 

It's going to be hard.  I'm not good at this.  Nope, not at all.  But God is, and lucky for me...He's bigger than this and He's never failed me yet!

So now, it's out there.  It's in blogger world and I've confessed my sin of unrealistic expectations to God and cyber space (and to my husband!).   So that means I have to do something about it....I have people to be accountable to now. 

So, where do I start??  My Mom always told me to start small; with one thing.  I remember reading in a marital counseling pamphlet (a long time ago...) that whenever you are tempted to get annoyed by your spouse because of something they've done; (aka - left their socks on the floor next to the hamper, etc.) use the opportunity to instead be thankful that that person is in your life.  I may find myself grumbling "I'm thankful, I'm thankful" as I pick up socks, etc.  BUT, it will get easier.  It will get to the point that I pick up a pair of socks and smile as I think about the man that fills those socks and where he is and what he's doing right then.  May I remember to pray for him and to be thankful for him in ALL circumstances.